Date: Jun 30, 2003 [ 8: 21: 34]
Subject: Summary - Protecting our Family
© 2003 BCP Harry Shelton Cole
Subject: Summary - Protecting our Family
SUMMARY OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH PLANTING LIST
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Moderated and edited by Pastor Harry Shelton Cole
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Introduction: Too often the zeal in answering the call of God in our lives
overshadows the dearest ministry we have as pastors, missionaries or church
planters -- our family. I have heard it said you do not have a ministry if
you loose your family. Despite what others might say, the church planter
or church pioneer missionary (or foreign missionary) places certain demands
on their family that others will never experience. There are sacrifices
that have to be made by the wife and children that are not ask of others in
other ministries. Balance, I believe, is the key. There must be a balance
of love and communication that reaches beyond the sacrifice and above the
hardship. It is amazing what love, nurture and care will overcome.
In our question of the week we have a variety of answers but they are all
answers from the hearts of preachers. Two outstanding ideas come from the
answers. Take time for your family and communicate with them. Thanks guys
for responding.
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Baptist Church Planters List - Question of the Week
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According to a 1991 survey of pastors, 80% reported that they believe that
pastoral ministry affected their families negatively and 33% said that
ministry was an outright hazard to their family.
What advice would you offer the church planter to prepare and protect his
family in the ministry?
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Bill Britt, missionary to Zambia wrote this:
I am very surprised at the high number who claim the ministry has had a
negative impact on their family. We must be doing some things wrong. Maybe
we are blaming normal problems that all families face on the ministry,
because we are in the ministry. It could be an easy scrape goat for our own
mistakes, but I know there are some sacrifices to be made also.
I suppose this is a pretty standard answer, but I made sure my family was a
part of our ministry and we used the word "our" a lot. I made sure to share
the credit and tried keep the blame to myself. It would be suicide to blame
your family for ministry failures. There is also the well known but hard to
live don`t talk about things to your children and even wife that do not
need to be heard. It`s not wrong for them not to know every terrible thing
that happens to you or the church. Problems are a part of the ministry, I
went all the way to Zambia and they found me here, so since we can not run
or hide. We must make sure we handle them in a Christ like way.
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Jim Ragsdale is a preacher and church planter in Whittier California. He
said this:
This seems to be an outrageous statement -- BUT true! I can't tell you
the pastor friends that seem to have lost their families while starting
out in the ministry.
My only advice is, and I am certainly no expert, you can have your ministry
and family too. We speak of quality time with wife and kids. Each has
to be an important part of the ministry. The amount of time a man will
spend building a church should be "minor" as to the time he spends
building his family.
Because of the way things are men move from church to church. They can
not move from family to family. It is interesting how the Lord equates
the family, and home to His church. Much time and quality time a required
in the raising of a family. If you lose your family, you have lost your
ministry.
God ordained the family before the church. We MUST keep our priorities
RIGHT. There is time for both -- we just have to use it correctly.
(Side note) Our children are grown now and I still need quality time with
the wife of my youth..
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Ken Dowell, now pastoring in Elhart KS offers this answer to the question
of the week
I spent four years planting a church in Mass.
I learned:
1. God gives us 24 hours in a day.
2. We are able to accomplish what He wants us to in those 24 hours.
3. We have time every week for our family, jobs, study, visitation, and
sleep.
4. We just don't have as much time for any of those things that we wish.
If you set goals for the church, don't sacrifice your family to enable you
to reach those goals. If you loose your family you have lost your ministry
anyway. I found that I had time to really enjoy my family even while
planting a church. The church didn't grow as fast as it could have had I
spent more days every week knocking more doors, but so what? We had a lot
of folks saved and my kids enjoy that fact that I am a pastor. My 18 year
old son is going into missions next year and my daughter hopes to marry a
man in the ministry. Many pastors give the excuse of "emergencies" as why
they can't do things with their kids. Bunk! Very few of these are true
emergencies and if you are honest with your kids they will understand true
emergencies. As much as I love the ministry I love my wife and children
more. If one must be sacrificed for the other, there is no question what I
would choose. My family will come first. My church knows that and actually
appreciates it as they see the result is my children love the Lord and
their parents and their church. There is no conflict with God. Any conflict
is manufactured by the man who feels he must give 25 hours a day to the
building of the church. This thinking forgets that God is the one that does
the building and also forgets that we are commanded to love our wives and
children. I question whether this man is building a work for God or for his
own reputation.
Be faithful to what God has given you and every body wins!
Just my thoughts from four years planting out east and 7 years pastoring
out west.
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Dr. Marvin McKenzie is a pastor and church planter in Astoria Oregon. He
replied with this advice.
I guess I would begin this by saying that my family is still young enough, I
pray what I am doing will work.
1. I Put my family above the ministry. If I lose them, I have lost my
ministry anyway.
2. I am very affectionate with them. I insist that we communicate the word
love many times a day. I do that with my wife (and let my kids hear us
telling each other we love each other.) I also do it with my kids (both
boys ages 12 and 10)
3. I am publicly affectionate with my wife. Our church takes the time to
walk around and shake hands with each other during each service. During
that time, when I come to my wife, I kiss her. I do that because I enjoy it,
but also to give the ladies of the church a subtle message, "No reason to
mess with him, he is in love with is wife!" I think it also communicates
message to my wife - "I am in love with her, and not afraid to show it."
4. I have made it a practice to take my family to almost everything I do
that is ministry related. When I have to travel, 9 times out of 10, I'll
take my family. After my business is done, we'll find something fun for the
family to do. I then remind my kids that, it is because their father is a
preacher, that they get to do the things they do. I do not believe it is a
waste of money to spend money having fun with my family. It doesn't have to
be expensive, but it does need to be something the family enjoys, and not
something I enjoy more than they.
5. I pray constantly for my family - and in our evening and morning
devotions and prayers - that God would keep us a strong family.
Every once in a while I will tease my boys that Jesse James was the son of a
Baptist preacher. If they don't fly right, they might end up rotten too!
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Brother Jim Pointer offered these words of wisdom that can only come from
experience.
After Pastoring the same church for over 22 years and having one son full
time in the ministry and one son and his family (two grandchildren!) let me
offer this overly simplistic advice:
1. Be consistent in the pulpit and OUT of the pulpit.
2. Spend uninterrupted time with the family. In other words, make them as
important as any of your church members.
3. Speak well of your church members in front of your family.
These are just a few thoughts. As soon as I send this I will probably think
of some more things as well.
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Brother John Graf had this to say:
My advice to any church planter would be have balance. If a preacher can
not keep his home in order than how can he possibly keep the work of the
Lord right.
The pressure today is to go soulwinning all the time and the Lord will take
care of the family. Yet the greatest testimony one can have is their family
in order. There is power in that. My family has been the greatest asset to
our ministry outside of the Lord!!
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Marc Leverett is a church planter in Alabama and had this to say:
This is a very important subject! Pardon the length but I've got to get
into this one.
While I believe that too many pastors are having a difficult time managing
both ministry and family because of factors peculiar to the ministry, it is
also true that EVERY family has a tough time of it today. Two income
families and men who have to work two jobs to provide for his wife & kids
while living in this morally degenerating society could also claim that
their situations are harmful to their family.
First, we should never let anybody assume that it is their job to define
our wife's role in the church. How many times I have seen a good man's
ministry destroyed because Satan used some self appointed busybody to
attack his wife. Some think it to be their job to give the pastor's wife
her job description! We would not allow this to be done to other women in
the church. Now my wife plays the piano, teaches Sunday School, takes her
turn in keeping the nursery, counsels with our girls and ladies, oversees
VBS and a good number of other things all without salary! All this in
addition to taking care of me and our two kids! But if she did nothing at
all but show up for the services and be as faithful as any average woman in
the church, she should never be subject to criticism or pressure to meet
false expectations. All Mrs. Moses has to do is to make Moses happy. If
Moses is happy with Mrs. Moses then everybody else should be thrilled to
death about it! We must make it plain that our wives are off limits to
those who would dare to pick at her.
Secondly, we should make sure that we spend TIME with our kids. They
should be the best kids in the church not because they are expected to be
but because their parents are doing their God given duty to be exemplary
parents. No one else can do this work for us and using the ministry as an
excuse for having sorry kids is like blaming it on God! The Lord does not
expect any of us to build a church by sacrificing our kids. Also, just as
mentioned above, we must protect them from the unrealistic expectations of
others. If a child becomes a behavior problem it should be dealt with but
to expect a pastors kids to all be genetically void of the capacity for
making mistakes is unrealistic.
Another thing that can hurt our kids is to talk negatively about the church
members in front of them. They need to be warned if a potential problem
may affect them, but they should not have to hear all the little problems
and faults that a pastor may discuss about his flock with his wife. They
are not equipped to bear that burden and it can lead to cynicism. They
need to see church as a wonderful place where some of the best people on
earth can be found!
The church members should love and pray for the pastor and his family and
seek their welfare. To do otherwise is to hurt the church. To hurt the
church is to do harm to the cause of Christ. Our families health is THAT
important. If we view the ministry as a danger to the family what does
this tell us? The ministry when done right should be of great benefit to
the family, even the pastor's family!
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Dennis Ebert, missionary to the Philippines had this comment:
I would like to offer just one line of advice. What I will offer seems
elemental but is so easily forgotten by the pioneering pastor.
In the early days of the work, there is a precious few people who are
available for the menial task that are so necessary to conducting services.
I mean the janitorial work, the nursery work, the letter writing, the phone
calls, the fetching of people.
So, it will usually fall on the shoulder of the pastor, and most likely,
his family. Usually, when a work is started, all concerned enter into the
venture with their eyes wide open and they think they know what will be
required of them. Unfortunately, for the young couple, venturing into this
area for the first time, there are pit falls that they are not aware of.
One of those is the need for consideration from the pastor to his family.
I speak specifically about the use of the family in comparison to the use
of the members. An example might make my point more clear.
Suppose that work is growing, there are now a few faithful members and you
have a small rented place to meet. Without going into details of the
place, it will always need cleaning. You are a good organizer and have
involved your people in the task. Unfortunately, the one to clean cannot
come that Saturday. So you call another one of the ladies, and ask her
politely, if she could come that day and clean the facilities.
Unfortunately, her day is already absorbed with her children and says she
cannot.
The only alternative is yourself or your wife and you have a long day
planned in visitation and Bible studies. So, it seems a simple matter.
You go to your wife and inform her that she will have to clean the
auditorium. She complies and it seems that all is well. Or is it.
The point I am making has to do with the way that the pastor informs his
wife. With the member, there was the respect of asking but with the wife
it is informing. It seems only natural that a pastor would give his wife
and family the same courteous respect that he would give a member, but
unfortunately, many times we forget that simple thing.
In my experience, one of the great home wreckers is lack of respect for
each other.
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Doug Hammett, pastor of Lehigh Valley Baptist Church had this answer:
The church planter must realize that his family will be affected by his
decision to enter the ministry AND will also be affected if he does not. No
decision we make in response to the work of God in our life will be neutral
or valueless, and it will always have an effect on those we come in contact
with. Two thoughts:
1. Excuses- I am disappointed in the fact that many men who have failed in
raising their families have blamed the pressures of the ministry for their
lack of raising their children to serve God. We are called to rule our own
house well and if we cannot do that we do not belong in the ministry. No
matter what walk in life we may take, there will be pitfalls and potential
problems for our children. If we are to be men of God pointing the way in a
society gone mad, we must be able to do more than just tell people how to
live. We are called to show them what godly living is all about. Let's stop
blaming others for our failure to shoulder our responsibility.
2. Examples- Did anyone in the Bible ever make a clear cut decision to
follow the will of God and not affect those in their family, their friends
and/or their nation?
When Abraham followed God did it affect Sarai? What about his father? Was
Lot affected?
When Moses followed God was his wife and son affected? Did it have any
effect on the nation?
When Peter and Andrew decided to follow the Lord did it have an effect on
their family?
When John and James left their father to follow Jesus did it have an
effect on their family?
Of course it did! The call to the Christian is to follow the Lord and
realize that it is going to put the family in a place of tension and they
must each choose their own response. I cannot make another follow Christ,
but if I do not respond right how can I expect others to? If I give my
children something to blame for failing the Lord, have I not failed in
calling them to a commitment to the Saviour? If I have a negative attitude
about the 'pressures' of the ministry I can be sure it will negatively
influence my family and help them see why they should NOT serve the Lord.
What foolishness! The best thing that ever happened to me and to my family
has been that God has allowed us to serve Him. I refuse to complain, and I
refuse to give my children a scape goat to blame if they do not serve the
Lord.
We are called to challenge others to surrender their all to Christ (Lk.
14:33). We cannot do that with our family, our friends or our communities
if we call them to respond and then excuse them from following because of
the 'pressures' of life. Jesus even affected his family, but he NEVER gave
them an excuse to not follow the Father.
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Jay Gainer answered the question with some practical advice:
First, make a day "family day" and let nothing get in the way of that.
Next, let the children have special time ie. birthdays, ball games, plays
in school, etc. When problems arose with members, listen to the family (get
counsel from your wife) and don't always assume that the members are
telling the whole story.
Get away for a special day every so often to have good family time. Don't
be just a provider for your family, spend time with the children and wife.
Don't let them fend for themselves in life. They are the first line of
defense in YOUR ministry, without them, you don't have a ministry.
Keep them informed in the operational work of the ministry, talk about the
positive as well as the negatives.
Don't name names, members need privacy too. Love them because they are
God's servants too.
Forgive your children in their wrong doings and don't constantly bring it
up to the church.
Your wife doesn't need to be the piano player, nursery worker, secretary,
homemaker, choir worker, janitor, woman's ministry leader, Sunday school
teacher, Awanna leader, etc.
Put the family first, be tender with them, be realistic with them, allow
them to make mistakes, let them rest and be human. Look for workers,
servants in the church to take roles in the church to teach, clean, sing,
bookkeep, visit, minister, etc. The CHURCH is a called out ASSEMBLY of
believers. You and your family doesn't have to do it all.
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Pastor Jerry Reed is at Liberty Baptist Church in Witchita Falls TX, a
church he planted. He offers this answer in favor of the 20%.
Both of my children and grown, married to dedicated Christians, never miss
a service, have responsibilities in their churches, and are raising my
granddaughters likewise. My wife is my sweetheart, and our 35th year
together has been the best ever. Why? I plead the grace of God.
My heart aches for those whose families have been so negatively affected.
I think there were at least two factors, humanly speaking, that lent to the
positive:
1. My wife never made negative comments to me or the kids. She could have
said, 'Well, Dad's out chasing somebody else's kids when he should be here
with you kids.' But instead, she always built up the ministry in the minds
are hearts of our children. I realize that our wives have great influence
in our ministries. If she quits, I ultimately lose the ministry God has
given me....I really don't know what I would do without her.
2. Although I perhaps didn't have quite as much family time as I would have
enjoyed, I tried to always keep my promises to my wife and children. If I
promised we were going to Six-Flags next month, we planned, anticipated,
packed, took pictures while there, and re-lived the trip for years. (Thank
God I don't have to go to Six-Flags any more!) If my wife and I planned a
day and night shopping and dining in Dallas, again, we looked forward to it
for weeks, made it a great trip with no 'shop-talk', and came back refreshed.
After re-reading these two suggestions, I have to re-emphasize God's grace
and blessings. I know we don't deserve the wonderful life that God has
given us, but we sure are grateful.
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Todd Cook has this simple but wise answer.
Don't put higher expectations on them because they are pastor's kids. Give
your children freedom to be themselves. Don't over discipline. Only
discipline them to the extent that is needed to correct the behavior. Most
of all love them and spend time with them.
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Finally, Jeff Merrick had this response.
1. As our church has grown I have made the ladies take on more
responsibility and have taken my wife out of much of what she was doing.
For instance, She is never in the nursery, Junior Church and so on, on
Sunday Morning. She has nothing to do with running the nursery, cleaning
the building, running Junior Church etc. I keep her free for my children,
myself and the ladies when they need to talk and to make calls with me. She
does teach a S.S., but in almost all other areas I have moved others into
leadership.
2.I take Friday evening and Monday for the family. In addition I will take
30 minutes here, 45 minutes there just to stop by the house an throw ball
with the boys, talk with the girls or have a cup of coffee with my wife. I
have thrown a lot of footballs in a suit and tie. I sometimes think they
enjoy the time I make for them through the week more than they do the
Mondays I take off.
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