Date: Jun 30, 2003 [ 8: 18: 2]
Subject: Summary - Marriage Counseling Policies
© 2003 BCP Harry Shelton Cole
Subject: Summary - Marriage Counseling Policies
SUMMARY OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH PLANTING LIST
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Moderated and edited by Pastor Harry Shelton Cole
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Introduction: When I was in school a pastor and instructor told us not to
become known as "marrying parson" when we establish a new work in a
community. I wasn't sure what he meant by that at first but was confronted
with the cold reality of it in church planting. New in the community and
ready to jump at any chance he gets to get to know new people, the church
planter may make some unsound decisions about marrying people. It is my
belief that each church planter and pastor should have biblical and
practical guidelines to help them make the best decision to reach the
community while not violating scriptural precepts.
I want to thank Jerry Harmon for submitting this "Question of the Week" and
for all those who contributed, let me say thanks as well. There is a lot
of wisdom for the pastor and church planter in this summary about marriage
counseling.
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Baptist Church Planters List - Question of the Week
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I have found that the Lord can be glorified tremendously and the church
planter can increase his fold in pre-marital counseling. The question is
simply this:
What type of policy have you set regarding counseling couples that want to
be married by you?
When you do pre-marital counseling, if you use materials such as books or
manuals, please list them and where we might be able to get them.
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Dr. Jim Preston is a 25 year veteran of several church plants and is
currently assisting 12 new churches get started. His experience should not
be taken lightly and we welcome the comments from veterans as well as those
who contemporary in their experience. Thanks Dr. Preston for responding.
I will not marry anyone without meeting at least once with them. When
possible I try to get them to meet with me several times. I have basic
information I give to them. I try to get them to watch a video program,
"Before you say I do." This is not perfect but it is the best I have. I
never turn strangers down who call and ask if I will marry them. I always
set up a meeting, try to win them to Christ, and then tell them if I will
or will not marry them. I do not automatically turndown two lost people if
they will promise to continue to meet with me. I have won several good
couples this way.
I push the couple to meet with me as much as is practical but I do not
demand it. My experience is that those who plan to get married usually
will do it whether I marry them or not. I want to keep my door open to
them. I have reached some good families later that would have never come
to me if I had turned them away over pre-marital counseling. I am not sure
if this is the right way but it has worked for me.
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Dan Edens is a pastor and church planter in Georgia and God is blessing his
efforts there with souls saved and needs met. He is welcomed contributor
to this list and one of the most practical advice givers we have. Thanks Dan.
For ones wanting to get married my policy is as follows:
1. They must have been an ACTIVE MEMBER of the church for at least 90 days.
2. I interview them separately first. (the girl I interview with my wife -
I do not talk with ladies in my office without my wife.)
3. Of course, they must be saved (both) and not living together. If one
or both have just recently been saved (within last 3 months) I will usually
advise them to wait at least 3 months more to make sure that this is what
God wants for them. If their parents are Christians, they should also have
the blessings of their folks.
4. They should have been engaged at least 90 days.
5. After counseling with them, I will usually wait 3-4 days to pray about
it before I give them a decision.
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Pastor Kirk Divietro is a personal friend and one the first members of the
Baptist Church Planting list. He is a scholar and Bible college teacher as
well as a veteran church planter. His comments are sage, hear ye him.
I have a tight policy on marriage. I only marry church members who have do
not have a living ex-spouse.
My pre-marital counseling consists of a questionnaire asking each to list
all of the negative qualities of the other. Then when they fill it out I
throw it away and ask one question. "If it never gets any better can you
love him/her and make it last 'til death do you part?"
I have only married eight couples since I went into the ministry 20 years
ago. To the best of my knowledge they are all still together.
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Don Stewart is a independent Baptist missionary to Australia and one of the
newest members of this list. He added some comments that all of us should
take under consideration in our own churches as should a any church
planter. Thanks Don for your initial post of insightful wisdom, I look
forward to more.
While I set a policy of my own for marrying couples, I also set one for the
church. It sometimes is necessary for the church have a policy which is the
same as yours for those who wish to use the church building or those who
may want to call in a previous Pastor who may not hold to the same
convictions as you have set for you and your people.
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Pastor Don Johnson is relatively new to the list. I appreciate the detail
and candor of his post. In the multitude of counselors there is safety.
Thanks brother Don for you input.
People in Victoria, BC, Canada are very casual about their personal
relationships. We have lots of "live in" relationships who eventually start
thinking about marriage. Often, when I am introduced as a pastor, such
couples will ask if I "do weddings." I used to be able to excuse myself by
saying, "Oh, I'm not licensed!" However, a couple in our church got married
two years ago, and I had to go through the formalities. As a result, I have
had to come up with a better answer.
First of all, it is my general policy to only marry people who are in
regular attendance at our church. I am called to preach, not marry, and
believe that church weddings and marriage ceremonies are a privilege, not a
right. It is a delight to see those who are faithful in church attendance
and who are active in our ministry come together for marriage.
I am willing to make exceptions to the general policy and marry some
outside of our congregation, but they MUST be willing to be involved in
preliminary counseling to determine eligibility. In the first counseling
session they will hear the gospel, they will be examined concerning their
relationship with each other and with the Lord. I will not marry a couple
who is currently living together. I will not marry a couple who gives no
evidence of salvation.
In counseling couples for marriage (and after marriage) one of my favorite
resources is Ed Wheat's book, *Love Life*. Dr. Wheat is very clear on the
gospel and on the Biblical foundation principles upon which marriage is
established. I usually recommend that the couple read this book. Dr. Wheat
has another book, *Intended for Pleasure*, (I think that's the right title)
and Tim Lahaye's *The Act of Marriage* are good books for the honeymoon, in
my opinion. I realize that these fellows may not be all we would like as
independent Baptists, but I find these materials helpful.
would not personally recommend it to non-married couples. It is sexually
explicit in its content -- some people may need help in this area but I am
not sure that this is the best resource for it until they can explore the
book as a married couple. I have not read the other books but I trust
brother Johnson's advice but as with any recommendation see the disclaimer
at the bottom of this summary>>
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Pastor John Waldrip from Monrovia, CA, is a old cyber friend. He has also
been a member of this list almost from it's inception. I appreciate his
wisdom and help as a friend and as a pastor.
Because of so many who come from broken homes or homes that have never been
complete, those about to marry oftentimes have very unreasonable
expectations about marriage. Some think it will be much easier than it is,
while others think it will be much harder than it is.
The one thing many miss is seeing two sinners married to each other
disagree, engage in conflict, and then successfully resolve that conflict
in a way that honors God and strengthens the marriage. For that reason, if
one or both is not from a complete Christian home I always spend months
teaching conflict resolution, teaching how to make an appeal, teaching how
to seek forgiveness, etc. In other words, I teach how to fight and make up.
One couple, now two years married, have benefitted greatly. He the son of
a child molester, she the daughter of a wife and child beater who departed
when she was seven, are deliriously happy. When the kids come it will be
more difficult, but they are grateful for the six months of counseling they
received.
Additionally, have any of you ever had really serious counseling with a
couple in which at least one of them did not have the experience of
fornication? I have not personally had cause to give serious marital
counseling save to couples in which one or both had committed fornication
before marriage, before conversion, etc.
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Pastor Doug Hammet is another new member of the list but not new in the
area of planting churches. He is a welcomed contributor and I hope to hear
and learn more from him in the future. His words of advice are wise and
well worth heeding by any church planter or new pastor. Thanks pastor for
taking time to respond.
My policy is to marry only couples that both attend Independent Baptist
Churches, and one of the two are members of the church I pastor. They then
must go through counseling before marriage, taking at least 6 weeks and
usually 8 weeks. I determine that based on what they need. They must be
committed Christians as well, as I believe that performing a marriage is
NOT my job, it is something I do as a gift to the couple. I do not care to
have my name linked to weak or nominal marriages.
Early in my ministry I started out marrying anyone that was saved and found
that they soon learned the lingo. My success rate at getting them in church
was zero. I also am greatly disappointed at the number of divorces from the
early years of my ministry. Much better to draw the line early. I will
counsel with anyone that wants it, but will not perform the marriage unless
I am comfortable that the couple will make it. I have had several that
wanted the counseling although they were marrying elsewhere.
I recommend the book by Wayne Mack, Preparing For Marriage God's Way,
published by Virgil Hensley. I have developed my own video library of other
reference works that I have preached over the years to supplement the
homework and counseling.
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Another new but welcomed contributor to this list comes from pastor Wayne
Surface. I like his approach to counseling and recognizing the need to
commit to counseling. Marriage is about making and keeping commitments.
Thanks pastor Surface for your input.
Being in a mostly Military Church I do a lot of marriage counseling, both
maintenance and problems. I actually do little pre-marital counseling
because most of them go home to be married and get their counseling there.
I have developed a course of lessons I use in both pre-marital counseling
and post-marital problem counseling. Because of time limitations I rely
heavily on books, tapes and videos as well as Bible study and memorization.
Because I do not want to waste my time, and my counseling will not help
if the couple does not participate, I made up a counseling contract.
I am copying a copy (which is usually printed up on fancy paper and signed
by the couple and myself).
MARRIAGE COUNSELING CONTRACT
Having a godly relationship as a husband and wife is important because God
wants our home to be a picture of Christ and the church (Ephesians. 5:32).
My first responsibility as a husband or wife is to be filled or controlled
by the Holy Spirit (Ephesians. 5:18). I am to be a godly partner
fulfilling my Biblical responsibilities, not for or because of my mate, but
because God has commanded me to do these things. It is both of our
responsibilities to submit (serve) to each other in the fear of
God(Ephesians. 5:21).
It is not my responsibility to change my partner, but instead to ask God to
work in my heart and life to change me. When I try to change someone else
I hinder the Holy Spirit from doing His job in that persons life. As we
begin to study the Scriptures and God's teachings on marriage I commit
myself to God to not try to change my partner, but to prayerfully and
humbly seek what He would say to me to help me be a better husband/wife and
then to do my best to put those things into practice in my life. I make
this commitment trusting that God will either change my partner or give me
the grace to handle those things that do not change immediately.
In addition we commit to:
1. Do our best to follow through and complete all assignments given during
the course of counseling.
2. Memorize all scripture verses assigned during the course of counseling.
3. Read at least one hundred pages a week in the books assigned during
counseling.
4. Watch at least one hour of assigned videos each week.
5. Spend at least fifteen minutes a day reading from the passages listed
on the assignment sheet.
6. Spend at least fifteen minutes a day praying for my spouse.
7. Be faithful to at least one church service a week during the course of
counseling.
________________________________ _____________
(Husband) (Date)
________________________________ _____________
(Wife) (Date)
________________________________ _____________
(Pastor) (Date)
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END
materials that might not be acceptable to someone else. We learn truth
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