Date: Jun 30, 2003 [ 8: 16: 34]
Subject: Summary - Getting Too Close to Your Flock
© 2003 BCP Harry Shelton Cole
Subject: Summary - Getting Too Close to Your Flock
SUMMARY OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH PLANTING LIST
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Moderated and edited by Pastor Harry Shelton Cole
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Introduction: The loneliness of church planting will forge friendships that
can be less than healthy in a church. The lack of friendliness in
interpersonal relationships will hinder a churches growth. In our first
church plant it was easy making friends with our first members who were
saved and excited about being a part of the church. However, as time
progressed and opportunities arose where I had to be pastoral over certain
situations, the friendship tie was broken by the member and we lost them.
The loneliness of church planting and lack of fellowship has driven some
church planters and pastors to develop relationships with church members
that have left either or both crushed and hurting. It is hard enough to
loose a church member whom you have invested emotionally in and harder
still if they are a close friend as well.
How do you balance these things in a church that you call "friendly" and
"people oriented"? I received some great posts this time and the summaries
keep getting better and better. Every answer will give you insight and
bless your "blesser". If they don't then your "blesser" must be broke.
Thanks to all who contributed.
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Baptist Church Planters List - Question of the Week
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How does the church planter balance being friendly without creating
problems by becoming to close to others?
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Dr. Marvin McKenzie is a veteran and current church planting pastor. He
has been through many of the trials that are associated with planting a new
work and has some excellent insights. That is exactly why his initial
response took me by surprise. Thanks Dr. McKenzie for your help.
My first response - BEATS THE FIRE OUT OF ME!
Seriously, I am a friendly sort of person. I am generally happy, seldom
discouraged, and mostly energetic. When I am at church and around
our church folks, I am friendly and talkative with them.
I do not, however, do many social things with the members of our church
that are not church related. We have a camping trip, but they are all
invited. We travel together to various meetings, but everyone is
encouraged to attend.
I go to dinner with them, but I do it seldom with the same family. Even
the ones I get along with the best.
My closer friendships are all cultivated with pastors. I love my church
members too much to allow myself to loose my role as pastor over them.
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Pastor Chuck Bonner is a new member to this list but he is not new to
pastoring and church planting. In this area his heart and ministry lies.
His response was not only welcomed but conveyed positive and practical
help. Thanks Brother Bonner for taking the time to post.
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I find that sometimes, when you make CLOSE friends with members of your
congregation; it can hurt you later on. Of course, there are exceptions to
this.
I go out to dinner with people in our church quite often, but I do not
discuss ANY church business with them. Nor do I discuss any people in our
church.
I do have friends in the community and a GOOD friend from another Baptist
church in another town. We talk occasionally, pray together, and go to
dinner (as couples) a few times a year.
I also make it a rule NEVER to preach on a person's problems. The others
in the congregation will figure out who you are talking about. My people
know, if I have something to say to them, I will go to them and talk
privately.
If you get too close, and they think you are preaching on them, they get
offended. I find that expository preaching is great and you can touch on a
lot of things and they won't think you are picking on them.
Generally speaking, I think you can get closer to a person that is grounded
in the faith more so than an immature Christian. When you sometimes get
too close they begin to see your faults. The devil then goes to work.
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Missionary Dennis Ebert, Philippines, has been a member of this list for
many months and has had some wonderful answers to the question of the week.
He again gives and thoughtful and empathic response this week. Thanks
Dennis for your heart for people
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As I have worked in literally every area of the "ministry" the answer to
the question is virtually the same for every man or woman in a leadership
position. How to be a friend but still maintain the distance to exercise
the leadership needed, even in discipline.
There is no easy answer to that question. Some have solved it by
maintaining that the leader cannot be friends with anyone. That seems a
little harsh on the leader, personally. Still, maybe it is the easiest way
to deal with the hurt of being rejected whenever it becomes necessary to
exercise that leadership authority.
Others I have known have found a way to maintain a safe distance. A medium
between leader and friend. Still at arms length. Although the danger of
hurt is still there, there is also the warmth of friendship, however
distant that friendship might be.
The least appropriate for the leader seems to be the deep friendship. Two
reasons become evident. One, the close friendship will inevitably be with
only one or two persons and the real possibility of creating jealousy among
other members. Secondly, the close friend will, inevitably, take advantage
of that close friendship. Whether it is intentional or not, there will
come a time that the leader must make a choice between that friend and
their leadership in a given circumstance. That is where the hurt will come.
It seems that it must all be according to the personality of the leader and
the people. Certainly there is no easy or clear way methods.
If friendships and fellowship cannot be had with other pastors and leaders,
then having friends in the congregation would probably be a necessity. But
much care is necessary to maintain the capability or distance to exercise
leadership.
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After 22 years as the founder and pastor of an independent Baptist church
in upstate New York, Bob Hart has earned the right to speak. His answer is
sobering and biblical. We have a grave responsibility as the Pastor. We
must face facts. We are called to an office of the church that has unique
demands. Thanks Bob for your experienced advice.
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"By always remembering you are the pastor." By that I mean you do not share
with someone who you have spiritual authority and responsibility for your
own struggles. We all have struggles but we need to be careful who we seek
to be accountable to and who we go to for advice.
Seek someone who is on the same level as you, (a fellow pastor or life long
friend )or an older more experienced and Godly Christian. It is best not to
have someone from your church.
I love our people, I do things with our people, play golf, go out to eat,
have them to our house, even have taken trips with some. But NEVER, EVER
forgot I am the pastor. Once you cross the line, its gone.
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Pastor Jerry Reed is a veteran and well worth securing for mentorship. He
has stuck by the stuff these many years and is still excited about
ministry. Any church planter would do well to heed his advice and counsel.
A spiritual Dad in the faith, he is fast becoming one of my heroes. Thank
you so much Pastor Reed for taking the time to help us with the question of
the week.
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I'm not sure I know a 'universal' answer, but this works for my wife and I....
1. I continually make sure that my wife is my BEST friend, so when others
get mad and leave, I haven't lost my best friend.
<Editors note: Best advice yet -->>
2. I have found that our people can adjust to almost anything from my wife
and I except INCONSISTENCY. Therefore, we try to never change our
standards, and our church knows it.
3. Consistency demands that we never appear to have favorites. (We do.
Jesus did).
4. Much of our fellowship with friends is done in groups, and class
activities. We welcome new members, host teacher appreciation dinners, and
have our deacon families together in our home and activities like this.
5. As our schedule permits, we accept ALL invitations to dinner from our
members.
A. The church knows this, all they need to do is invite us.
B. Its amazing that the same people who would be hurt if we spent a lot of
time with our 'favorites', never invite us! See how nice that works out?
Should anyone ever say, 'You don't spend that kind of time with me', I
simply say, 'You never invite us." As long as I don't do the inviting,
nobody has a cause to be upset.
C. Your 'favorites' soon learn the policy, and guess what? They invite you!
D. One word of extreme caution! The tendency is to talk of things to our
'close' friends that should never be mentioned. Beware, they can jump up
and bite you.
6. I believe it is also important that your people be sort of 'forced' to
make new friends, so we use a 'home-grown' ministry called 'FTD' (Fellowship
to Discipleship) based on Jesus' willingness to tie people to Himself
around the dinner table. I thought we had developed a unique program until
I met others who did the same thing with their families. I would be glad
to share the basics should anyone want them. Its the only discipleship
program we have ever used that works.
7. Again, consistency is the key. Every member must have equal access to
the pastor. Being consistent in this philosophy has allowed this to take
place in principle, without isolating us from close friendships within the
church family.
Again, this may not be for you, but perhaps it will give you some ideas.
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Jerry Harmon is a missionary to Puerto Rico building a fine work. Church
planting is just as difficult on the foreign field if not more so than the
United States. Jerry however, encounters the same people problems that we
do. Why? Because people are people no matter what the culture. Thanks
Jerry for posting or should I thank Liz :-)
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I never try to forge friendships among my people. Nothing good can come of
it. Between envy and pride, there will inevitably be problems. I try to
be equally friendly to each member of the church. Trying to be close
friends with some is like trying to pick which one of your children is your
favorite. You don't have one, they all have different characteristics that
make them special.
I try to maintain an excellent relationship with my wife, and only share
personal problems with her, or with other men in the ministry. This is
perhaps even a bigger problem with pastor's wives. I have often taught my
wife to not show favoritism with any of the ladies in the church, and not
to repeat anything you would not want to see published in the local paper
with them. I don't mean to by cynical, but today's friend could be
tomorrow's enemy.
Trying to be overly friendly with my people is like trying to be my
children's best buddy, when what they really need and want from me is to be
their father.
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Great minds must think alike. Pastor Jeff Ables and I met in Cyber-space
and met in person last February. We are very much alike in our history and
philosophy. His post to the question of the week really hit where I live
as did Pastor Reeds. Thanks for taking the time to post Jeff. Hope to see
you soon.
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Make sure your wife is your best friend.
Have other preacher friends to whom you can confide in.
Those who become close to you in the church should be because of training.
Those you train will be the one's who become closer to you. Teaching those
who are willing to learn will see what ministry is all about. Jesus had
men who were closer to Him than others and I believe it was because of the
intense training those men received.
I do not like to build close personally relationships with church members
outside of the training aspect. I love my people and they love me. But the
one's I am the closest to are the one's who are receiving that intense
discipleship training. Always be there for them and love them and
encourage them to involve themselves in that training and when they do you
will become closer to them. Those who come to church all the time will find
themselves drawing closer to the people and their Pastor and family. Those
who come on Sunday morning will never have that type of relationship.
Preach, Baptize, and Train. The more the training the closer relationships
you will have.
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Pastor Gene Springer is one of the newest members of our list and a veteran
church planter. He recognizes that he may have forgotten many of the
answers to problems that face church planters but I believe, based on this
post, that he has a good handle on them. This post was the most sobering.
Thanks pastor Springer for joining.
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Recently, I heard it said that to be an effective pastor one must have gone
through an act of betrayal. Certainly we find this true of our Lord and of
the apostles. Though no one wants to lose a member, much less a beloved
member, it seems to be a part of the training process.
Sometimes, no matter what the precautions we take, we are going to
experience betrayal. What we learn is to depend more fully upon the Lord
and to get our encouragement from Him. (1Samuel 30:6)
<Editors note: Practical and profound>>>
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Dr. Jim Preston is a 25 year veteran in church planting and church
birthing. His wealth of experience is much appreciated and his insights
will prove to be golden. Thank you for joining us on the list Dr. Preston
and for your gracious post.
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The relationships between a pastor and his people is never an easy item to
balance. There is probably not any one right answer for every pastor or
pastor's wife. I have known pastors who have maintained very close
relationships with one or two men in the church and have handled it well.
My experience is that it is very dangerous to even "appear" to be closer
to a few over others. A church planter is at greater risks because he will
by nature develop close ties with those he goes through the fire with.
This often causes greater hurt later when these friendships are broken.
This can be especially hard of members for of the pastor's family.
Suggestions:
1. Let natural relationships and closeness grow.
Friendships will develop by the very nature of working together without us
seeking to make them. Let people become close to you but be careful about
seeking out a special closeness to them.
2. Don't fan the fires.
I would recommend setting a policy and making it public, that you invite
every new member over to your house only once after they join. If people
stop by, certainly make them feel welcome but don't over do it. I
generally do not call members just to chat on the phone or to invite them
for coffee.
3. Be open and honest.
Communication is the key to any relationship. Simply remind folks kindly
from the pulpit that you fear leaving the impression with anyone that there
is a clique in the church or that some are more important than others.
Tell them you are always willing to come to their home when invited.
Constantly remind them from the pulpit that everyone in this church has a
voice and is important.
4. Avoid broadcasting relationships.
Be careful not to name certain members on a regular basis in your
messages. Make a point before and after services to spend time with those
that you will not be spending a lot of time with during the week.
5. Work at makings more friends.
As natural as it is to develop a few close friends, put a plan together to
develop a wider circle of influence. We become too close to a small few
often because it seems to be the safe place for us. As pastors we can not
afford to be safe. We must work at reaching out to as many as possible.
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Pastor Dan Edens is a southern church planter and as I southerner I know how hospitable they can be. Here is how he handles the question of the week.
Here is my two cents for what it is worth. As seems to be the general
opinion, We do not try to establish what I would call close frienship
ties with anyone in particular in our church. However, we teach our
people not to do the same thing. As a general rule, we will not go out
with the same family more than once every 2 or 3 months. My wife and I
try to fellowship with a different family every week or so. We are
teaching our church families the same approach . We began this approach
two years ago when the church was started. We encourage our people to
seek out the folks they don't know and establish a general friendship
with them. We taught our folks that too close of a relationship could
result in cliques instead of a church family. What we have, at least so
far, is a church that is very friendly as a whole. When a visitor
comes, there is a general movement toward them that draws them in and
makes the visitor feel a part of the church.
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