Date: Jun 30, 2003 [ 8: 15: 21]
Subject: Summary - Encouraging Your Wife
© 2003 BCP Harry Shelton Cole
Subject: Summary - Encouraging Your Wife
SUMMARY OF THE BAPTIST CHURCH PLANTING LIST
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Moderated and edited by Pastor Harry Shelton Cole
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Introduction: I know that I have made mistakes in my life. I have made
them in my family and with the my best friend (my wife). It is in this
spirit that I initiated the question a couple of weeks ago that this
summary involves. I also realized from the onset that I, or my brother
pastors/church planters, might not be the best person to answer this
question. I asked my wife to post it to her list and I asked you gentlemen
to print it out for your wife. The answers we received are sobering and
encouraging at the same time. Thanks to all who responded.
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Baptist Church Planters List - Question of the Week
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What is the one thing that you did (or wished you did) to encourage you
wife the most in the beginning of your ministry or church plant?
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Our first responder to the question of the week is from Pastor Edward Fort,
a Baptist church planter in Chicago and one of the newest members of this
list. Brother Short is in the Inner-City reaching people of various
national and ethnic backgrounds. We welcome his input and appreciate the
sacrifice being made by he and his family to reach the lost on the mission
field. Thanks for taking the time to respond to the question Brother Fort.
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Often we push our wives and bring on them burdens that we don't even
realize. Example: When the church meets in our apartment, people use her
toilet paper that we budget her with and tell her to not buy too much.
People snoop in HER home her castle and she can feel very vulnerable and
insecure.
know what Brother Fort is talking about. You should be very clear in
establishing the boundaries for your people to keep the privacy and sanity
of your family in tact. Keep you home, YOUR home.>>>>
Every decision must be made with her approval and if she says NO or she
believes someone has gone too far, BACK HER 100%. If you loose a potential
member you still have your wife and ministry. If you loose a wife you can
forget ALL the potential members because you have NO MINISTRY.
<<Editors Note: AMEN!>>>>>
Love her extra special. Show her that you are there for her as well. Often
we go out the front door and neglect the loss at the back door. This is
often true with the church, as we try to gain new people without realizing
the needs in those we already have. We proceed to loose people we didn't
have to loose while gaining new but poorly trained people. A little
preventive maintenance would go a long way.
The biggest thing I did was BE THERE FOR HER.
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Pastor Bonner is wise in his counsel and a welcomed contributor to this
list. He is busy not only talking about church planting but encouraging it
with his actions. His sage advice is well worth heeding.
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From my wife;
No matter how busy my husband is; he always has time for me & the kids.
He has always said ...be yourself... His sermons are always an encouragement.
Eva Bonner
I might add:
My wife has always said she will go with me where ever God is leading. She
has never hesitated when I have said that God was leading me to start a
church in a far off city or town. She has always been right by my side.
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Jerry Harmon was one of the first missionaries that our church began to
support in it's infancy. Jerry was single at the time but God saw fit to
supply him with a wonderful wife who knows a whole lot more than Jerry :-)
They are valiant soldiers in the fight to win souls for the kingdom and
plant new churches on the foreign field. Thanks Jerry and Liz for taking
the time to respond this week.
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I couldn't think of an answer to the question of the week, but my wife
did.
1.) I let her know from the very beginning that she was the most important
person (next to God) in my life. I have taught many young men in our Bible
College here in Puerto Rico, that if your wife knows she is number 1, you
can spend 90% of your time in the ministry and 10% of your time with her,
and she will be happy. But if you spend 10% of your time in the ministry,
and 90% of your time with your wife, she will be angry while you are out
ministering, if she doesn't know that she is number one.
2.) As a result, my wife read the book by Joyce Vick, "Where in the World
Are You Going." She learned A LOT. EVERY PASTOR'S AND MISSIONARIES WIFE
SHOULD GET THE BOOK AND READ IT AT LEAST TWICE (as well as all ladies in
Bible college,)!!!!! (I also have read the book and benefited from it!!!)
Among other things, she learned to tell our boys things like, "Daddy is out
on visitation. Isn't it wonderful that your daddy loves people and gets to
tell them about Jesus?" Instead of things like, " your daddy is out on
visitation AGAIN, instead of being with us.." It makes all the difference
in the world to her and to our family. If we maintain these attitudes, I
will NEVER lose my children.
3.) I also told my wife that she was my partner in the ministry and that
her opinion was very important to me, and that I wanted to hear it, even
though the final decision would have to be mine. A couple we knew taught
us the following, "My spouse and I may argue, but we never have a fight; we
just sit down and figure out the reason HE is right!" (cute poem, eh?).
4.) I encouraged my wife to be honest with me regarding my messages, pulpit
manner, and actions and attitudes. She has been horribly honest. While I
didn't know it at the time. These are the things that have kept our
marriage and ministry together in spite of many VERY TRYING times. Since I
am not a person of great wisdom, I'm sure God helped me to tell her these
things. Thanks for letting my put my two cents worth in.
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Larry Olson is a veteran church planter on two continents. He is now
pastoring in Kansas and is practical as well as insightful in his advice.
Thanks Larry for your response to this weeks question.
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This is one of the most important subjects that has hit this list. We can
go through all the fundamentals of starting a church, the call of God, a
place to meet, or even a good sound system, but none is more important than
a happy wife and children. One of the first things that we have always
done when starting a church was ask the Lord for a good home with more than
adequate room, in a nice neighborhood and a good school system for our 4
boys. Is that asking too much of God. No, I don't think so....He has
always provided for our needs and our needs were those 3 things. If your
wife is fearful for her welfare or the safety of her children you pretty
well have a battle on your hands.
Not to be misunderstood. I am not saying..."baby your wife" which some
pastors might need to learn how to do just a little but rather accommodate
her needs. Many pastors can go from cave to cave with very little comfort
but our ladies need some real stability from time to time.
Remember guys, without our wives...we won't have a ministry.
I can remember hearing a preacher's wife say to her husband, "______, you
can do what ever you want to, with who ever you want to, but remember.....
without me you can't pastor!"
GOOD STUFF!
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The following is from missionary to the Philippines Gloria Ebert. She and
her husband Dennis have planted churches on the field and been faithful in
their ministry for many years. Her candor is refreshingly honest. Thanks
to Dennis for sharing this with you Gloria and thanks for responding.
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The thing that I wish that my husband had done in the beginning of our
ministry was to treat me as a church member just like everyone else. In
other words look at my capabilities, talents, and skills and let me develop
them along with others. It was that I always got the jobs that no one else
wanted and never
got to develop in areas that I would like or needed to go. It has born the
thinking, "Do not ask others to do something you are not willing to do
yourself."
Now, many years later, my husband does encourage me to use the talents and
skills and sometimes even pushes me to do things that he knows I can do.
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When Karen shared this on the ladies list she is on, I wondered if we would
get any feedback. We did and it was great. Thank you Lisa Britt,
missionary to Zambia, for responding. Bill and your family are doing a
great work there. Thanks for responding.
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For the answer to your question, what my husband has done for me while
starting our churches, and even continues to do so now, is that he does not
tell me all of the church problems. If there is a serious problem or if
counseling is involved, then I know. But all the petty problems, the
criticism, the slander, the horrible discouraging remarks.... he never
tells me all of them. He protected me, and still does protect me from a
lot of that stuff. For that I am so grateful.
When we moved to a new city back in 1984, (in the States), and were in the
process of starting our first church, my husband received more
discouragement than encouragement. No kidding! Preachers would call him
and tell him not to go to that particular city .... no church could be
built in this city .... it is a preacher's graveyard ... etc. I never
knew this until years later. However, God built a church in that city - it
is still going today!
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Brother and Mrs. Guillion will be married for 50 years on June 15th. Mrs.
Guillion responded to the question of the week and made this summary as
valuable as any written material could be. I am honored to repost her
reply to the question of the week. Thank you so much for responding.
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Bro. Gullion and I talked about this and couldn't come up with anything. I
remarked, and he agreed, that, "I can't think of anything I wish he knew
because I have already told him everything I wish he knew. Many times. Bro.
Gullion's comment was, "I'm bombarded with these facts." I usually tell him
what I wish he knew as soon as it enters my mind. He says this is true,
too.
Yes, I tell him because I like to talk and because I don't like to simmer.
(If we are talking about negative things here.) I really don't like
messages to pile up.
If we are talking about the other side of the coin, I hope he knows I
appreciate his manliness, the sheer courage it has taken for him to tough
out the past 18,250 days, and, though the ministry has taken him away from
the house so many times, I've been able to call on him those times when no
one else would do. Please understand what I am saying.
Bro. Gullion still has a beautiful singing voice. When he is away, the
house seems too big. When he is home, it is full. He still looks sharp in
gray, blue, or pink shirts. To others, he may be 80 years old. But not to
me.
If the world is still standing, and we are still here, we will commemorate
our 50th Wedding Anniversary on June 15th. We must have done something
right.
communication -- that is know what to say when and knowing when to say what >>
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